Just some thoughts

Sad and Happy, at the same time

2008-10-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

I know what your thinking, here she goes posting another negative post. Actually your wrong, this is a post about being thankful. I should start by telling you that Kevin's truck got stolen 2 days ago. The Lubbock Police seem to think that maybe the people stole it just to comet crimes here in Lubbock and that way when people turn in the plate number or the vehicle info it won't be there personal car. They said that more than likely the truck would be abandoned somewhere in the next day or two. Well, that's what they said at first. Now they are saying it it more than likely in Mexico. Apparently a 1995 single cap dodge diesel brings big money down there.

I hate that so much for Kevin! He might just be the nicest person in the whole world, he really and truly has a heart of gold. Why out of all the people in Lubbock do they choose him to mess with. I don't get it!

The truth of the matter is, we are so lucky. What if the bad guys would have broken into the house? A girl that I work with, had her house broken into in the middle of the night last week and when her husband when to see what was going on, they hit him in the face with a tire iron. Broke 3 bones in his face. I mean in a way I want to thank them for just taking the truck. Plus, the good news of the whole deal is that Kevin didn't really have anything of value in there. Well, his backpack with all his books were in there, but we all know that Kevin doesn't really put too much value in school books. Ha Ha.

Something really great did happen to Kevin this week though. He had an interview with Cargill for the position of sales rep for the New Mexico territory. It is crazy how much he was made for this job, it's like all his past experiences and schooling has led up to this one career path. We all know that Kevin could sell ice to an Eskimo, I mean he is such a smooser. How much better would it be if he got the chance to sell animal feed to ranchers and feed stores. It would be PERFECT! He says the interview went really really well, in fact it took 3 and a half hours to complete it because he said that he and they guy just keep talking. He said it was like they had known each other for a long time. He said that they thought the same on almost every issue. Which I am thinking is a good sign. The man interviewing him said that he still had 2 more people to interview, which makes 5 total people running for the job. He said that he would let Kevin know as soon as he makes a decision. I'm hoping they pick Kevin so much! I can't think of a job that he would enjoy more. Well, maybe ranching on a huge ranch in Montana with 10,000 cattle and enough cowboys to work it that he just got to do all the fun stuff, but other than that, this would be the best thing he could ask for. So keep him in your prayers.

Other than those 2 things, life has been pretty smooth lately. Just going to work and then going home. Oh, and it's Hump day... which means my week is half over! YAY!

THE FENCE IS GETTING OLD

2008-09-24T12:23:00.001-07:00

Life is wild sometimes, isn't it? I mean really, do you ever just sit back and think why the hell are we here? Of coarse growing up in the Bible belt I have always heard that we are here to know God and make him known, that's great and all, but what do you do in the mean time. I have always had this crazy idea that I would be some type of super hero when I grew up, not like Cat Women or Wonder Women, but more like someone that goes to work to save lives or a person that goes to work everyday and actually makes this world a better place to be. Now, I ship cotton! Not even that, I print off the documents to give to the people that do ship the cotton. I'm not trying to belittle anyone in this Field, without agriculture this world wouldn't go round. I just hate feeling like if I died and didn't show up for work tomorrow, nothing in this world would chance. I would bet that every college graduate goes through this same faze. I mean look at the actually jobs that college graduates are getting these days, none of them are really that important. I mean of course we have to have them, every small person in the world is what really makes everything stay in this rhythm that they world is in, that always everything to move at such an incredible fast pace. I guess I just need to adjust to being a little guy. Sure I value the little people or should I say the behind the scene person, I just never thought I would be one. I guess I'm just down on life right now. Sorry for all the negativity! I think it's just a hard time for me right now. I'm living with my mom witch is nice because I get to save some money, but really hard because I am a grown person living with her mom. I don't really want to move in completely with Kevin right now, not really because I disagree with that, but more because his room mate gets on my last nerve and that's not to mention that they live 35 miles from Lubbock so it would take forever to drive anywhere I need to from there. To add to the problem, Kevin is going on an interview with an amazing company (Cargill) that he really wants to work for yet we don't really know where they are going to offer him a job, we are both really hoping here in Lubbock, but since it is for a feed rep job and they only need one of those in each area, the odds of here in Lubbock are small. That's not to mention the whole marriage thing. On on hand I am so excited to get married and be MRS.BURNS, I mean for the past 3 years that is all I have thought about and for the past 23 years I have thought about getting married. I am a little freaked out about the whole thing. I know your not really suppose to say that when your engaged, I mean you never hear people openly talking about their doubts or worries. Let me be clear, I'm not worried about my relationship with Kevin, we are amazing together and I am so lucky to have him in my life. I am just a little scared of the, until death do us part saying. That is a really really long time, I have trouble deciding what I want to eat for dinner how can I make a decision for the rest of my life. Plus, what does the future hold; I mean what if we get married and then decide that we want something different out of life. What if he decides that he doesn't want kids, or what if I decide that? How can you say that I am going to be this same person, same weight, same mind set, and same personality forever? I know what your thinking, "Amanda, you not committing to that, people always change and your committing to change with him and compromise and love him no matter what those changes are." Well, I think that's crap! I think it is so bad when someone gets married and gains 500lbs, I mean no one really wants to be married to a person that weighs 500lbs. You didn't marry a 500lbs person so why do they change right after you say I Do. I think that is so sad when someone commits there whole life to someone and then they decide to be a jerk, an alcoholic or fatty. I mean my mom committed her whole life to my dad and then he decided to clam up and decided that he didn't want a relationship anymore. What do you do then? I know that to get big rewards you have to take big risks, but is it really OK to risk your whole heart? I mean it's like going to Vegas and betting with a credit card that has no limit. If you put it all in there and lose, your whole life will be spent repaying that one bad choice, yet if you win, your going to win shit tons of money. See I'm the person that goes and bets the minimum bet every time, sure I only win $5.00 at a time, but I only lose that much too. Maybe that's my problem; maybe I'm not that big of a risk taker when it comes to my heart. I have been with Kevin for 3 years and I truly love him more then myself. I want everything to be great for him. I would die for him. Why do I get so freaked out about getting married? It's so weird how we switched places. Before we got engaged, all I wanted was to get engaged and have him commit to me and all he wanted was to slow down and make sure that we are doing everything right, well now we are engaged and he is ready for the rest of his life to start. He is not scared at all, or at least he doesn't act like it, and here I am completely freaking out, isn't that sad? So needless to say my life is in jumbles right now. I sit at my desk for 8 hours a day doing absolutely nothing, feeling like I'm wasting my college degree on e-mails. My living arrangements are really hard right now. My wedding is not near close enough (weird that I say that now that I told you how much I'm freaking out). The point is, I think I'm freaking out because I'm straddling a fence, I can't really lean either way until I know more information, and that's a hard place to be. Oh, yes and the diet. It's not going so well, I have been doing pretty well; I just don't seem to be losing any weight or losing any inches. I'm sure it's just going to take time. So as for now, I'm still going to work hard at it.
I am really a happy go lucky person; I don’t really know why my blogs are such downers. I guess I just put on this happy face all the time and then when I sit down to write a blog entry my true feelings come out. Weird, how that works.

AND SHE'S OFF.

2008-09-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

So there has been a lot going on in my world lately. I have started a diet, and I don’t mean a little “I want to lose 5 lbs” diet, I am talking a life changing, “I’m going to be skinny once and for all” diet. I honestly can’t wait until people see me and say under their breath, “that girl needs to go eat a burrito, she is way too skinny” won’t it be GREAT! If you don’t know about my family history, I will fill you in. We are fatties! Not just the typical American family, I mean we break chairs at every family get together. I decided at a very young age that I was not going to fall into the trap of obesity. I set a weight for myself (140lbs) and I vowed that if I ever got over that then I would just stop eating until I was back to my normal weight. Well, that strategy worked great throughout school, but it seems to be a little tougher to keep up with now. I am way less active than I once was and way too busy to work out like I use to. Plus, I’m engaged and even though this might sound really bad, I have to be honest. I truly do believe that Kevin loves me for who I am not what I look like. So needless to say I don’t have guys to motivate me to look my best anymore. Of course I want to look good for Kevin, but it’s different now, it’s like we have a deeper relationship then me needing to worry about my belly that has rolls when I sit down. My brother is actually the only guy that really motivates me to lose this extra weight, not to impress him, but because he struggles with his weight way worse then I do and if he can get healthy and lose like 5,000 lbs, ok that’s an extreme over statement, but the point is the same. If he can do it, then I can do it. I am sure that this seems a little crazy to everyone because it’s not like I am one of those big girls that need to lose 100lbs or even one of those girls that wear clothing that needs to be 2 or 3 sizes bigger just so people can’t see my rolls. I am just one of those girls that constantly stay 15 or 20 lbs over what I should be and it seriously makes me feel like the fattest person in the world. So I’m not going to let it hold me back anymore. No more invites to the lake where I have to say no because I don’t want to wear a swim suit in public an no more nights that I don’t go out because I am worried that I can’t keep up with all my hot little friends. Just wait, before long, I’m going to be one of those hot little girls parading around like…”Hell yes, I’m skinny, just look at me!”
I know myself very well and I know that if I don’t have something to hold me accountable I will never do this. So, I’m going to blog my progress, hopefully not really long, novel type entries, but just little ones saying if I have lost any or if I ate right and worked out.
There seems to be lots of other stuff going on right now, but since this is already a long entry, I figure I’ll share the rest later.

Sad day

2008-09-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

This is such a hard day, in fact this has been a really hard last 4 days.

It all started when I couldn't find anyone to watch my dog (Seiko) for labor day weekend and I had told my parents that I would drive down to College Station to see them. When I told my little brother that I didn't have a dog sitter, he got really excited about the idea of me bringing Seiko down there for a visit. As you can tell from my profile picture Seiko is huge. He is an English mastiff that weighs in at about 150lbs. He truly is the light of my life. I know it sounds crazy, but I get way more attached to animals than I do people... This has been a big problem in my life that I have continuously tried to work on. Unfortunately it still remains the same. Well, back to the story. Seiko is amazing all the time except there is one thing that he is really bad at, and that's traveling. He is flat out terrible when it comes to road trips! This is a really bad thing to say, but it's like locking a mentally challenged person in a dark closet, you would except them to freak out because they don't understand what's going on. Well, that's the only way I can really explain traveling situations with Seiko. He is not an aggressive dog, until he gets in the car and he just goes nuts. Well because of a lack of other options I decided to go against my gut feelings and load him up for the long haul. He demolished the interior of my Xterra, ripped it all to shreds, well only the back half because I have a metal cage type barrier between the drivers seat and the back, that I put up while he has to be in the back. So while I was down there I decided that something had to be done. I called a vet and he said that it would be OK to give Seiko some medicine to make him mellow out during the way home. It worked wonderful for about 7 hours, but on the last little bit of the trip he started acting up again. Naturally I thought he needed to go to the bathroom, so Kevin and I pulled over to let him out. It was really dark outside on the old country road between Post and Robertson, Kevin had his back to me (while he was peeing by the fence.. gross yes, but he had to go and there were no bathrooms around.) I opened the back latch for Seiko to jump out and he did, then he jumped right back in. I said, "Seiko, come on, we are almost home, one last stop." I then turned around and started walking down the ditch, in hopes that he would follow me. I heard something coming at me so I looked back and right about then Seiko leaped up, and like a grown man could, pushed me down. I kind of tripped, but didn't fall and then he started biting me over and over. I put my ear to my shoulder so he couldn't get my neck, so then he bight my shoulder and my back, 2 or 3 times. By this time Kevin caught up to us and pulled Seiko off of me. Kevin like a super hero, choked Seiko until he quite fighting and then told me to get in the car and he then put Seiko in the back and we headed for the house. Nothing on my back is all that bad, but it did draw blood and apparently that makes it a big deal. Kevin was ready to shoot him when we got to his house and I threw a huge fit and begged him to wait and I would have a vet put him down in the morning. The next morning came and I went to tell Seiko good bye and it flat out ripped my heart out when he was acting like his, sweet, loving, loyal, normal self. I told Kevin that I couldn't do it and that we would just have to figure out something else. So we both left Seiko at my moms house in the backyard while we went to work. While at work I decided that he does need to be put down. I know he is acting great now, and he did act great for the past 4 years, but one time is all it takes to kill someone. If Kevin hadn't been there to pull him off of me, there is no telling what would have happend. Plus, what if it was my little brother instead of me? I have always said that a dog needes to know his place and that even though you may love him more than anything in the world, you still need to teach him right from wrong. Kevin says it's like a 2 year old running around with a loaded gun, he might not mean to hurt anyone, and he might not understand what he is doing, but it is not a safe situation. I think that is exactly right! I can't morally give Seiko away knowing that he has this in him, but I can't justify keeping him either.

Well, I made the call, and I decided that Kevin could take him to the vet sometime today while I was at work so I didn't know where or when, I would just know that when I get off work at 5:00 Seiko would be gone. That way I could get through work without too many tears and then be able to have the night to cope with the situation. Well, Kevin just called and said that he has left the vet and that the dog is still with him. WHAT? I made the hardest decistion I have ever had to make and the vet won't even do it. The vet said that because Seiko bite me that they have to do a whole battery of Rabies tests which involves cutting off his head and mailing it to a test center where they then take his head apart an make sure that there is no rabies. WHAT? I'm really sorry but I am not going to have that. So here's the plan, Kevin is going right now to take him to another vet clinic where he is going to Lie and say that Seiko has become more and more aggressive and that we are afraid of what he might do. Then hopefully they will put him down and not think twice about it. I know for a fact that my dog doesn't have rabies. I know it's bad to lie, but what else do you do in this situation. I can't handle the alternitive of having his head cut off and mailed somewhere, and I also can't handle the idea of him being shot in the field and just left there to be eatin by any creature that finds him. So we are going to lie.... SORRY GOD! I truely believe that he understand this one. Dogs die everyday, I know this. But it's kind of hard to make the decistion on your own. To hold another beings life in your hands and choose to end it is a really tuff thing.

Life is going to be lonley for a while and I'm sure I will miss Seiko very much. He is the best dog I have ever had and I am so very sorry that it is ending like this. I can't wait to meet him in heaven and explain the situation. I really think, if the roles were reversed he would do the same thing. God knows his heart. He will be in a better place. I have to keep telling myself that. Too bad we don't have mentall hospitals for dogs. HA HA. That's a crazy thought, but it's valid when your putting a dog down for a mental issue.

Hopefully my next post will be happier.

WOW...life

2008-08-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

Hello, and welcome to my blog. BLOG, Really? I told myself I would never be a part of the crazy artsy fartsy society of people that pride themselves in their blog entries. Well, just look at me now. I'm already proud of my entry because I used the words "artsy fartsy" within the first 3 sentences.

For the reals though, life is crazy and if you can use this as a tool to get through it or make it more enjoyable, than I think it is great! As for me, I'm just writing to write. No reason emparticular. Sometimes things happen and I think, "how can I tell this too" So now I'll just post them for anyone that wants to see.

On a more serious note, I am making some huge decisions right now in my life and sometimes it really helps to just write them out to see how they look. I just finished school in May, I just started a new career in June, got engaged in July, and now found out I'm having a baby... Just kidding about that one. Ha Ha. I'm sure you will get some laughs out of this blog, but probably some serious thought thrown in the mix. Hope you enjoy!