THE FENCE IS GETTING OLD

Life is wild sometimes, isn't it? I mean really, do you ever just sit back and think why the hell are we here? Of coarse growing up in the Bible belt I have always heard that we are here to know God and make him known, that's great and all, but what do you do in the mean time. I have always had this crazy idea that I would be some type of super hero when I grew up, not like Cat Women or Wonder Women, but more like someone that goes to work to save lives or a person that goes to work everyday and actually makes this world a better place to be. Now, I ship cotton! Not even that, I print off the documents to give to the people that do ship the cotton. I'm not trying to belittle anyone in this Field, without agriculture this world wouldn't go round. I just hate feeling like if I died and didn't show up for work tomorrow, nothing in this world would chance. I would bet that every college graduate goes through this same faze. I mean look at the actually jobs that college graduates are getting these days, none of them are really that important. I mean of course we have to have them, every small person in the world is what really makes everything stay in this rhythm that they world is in, that always everything to move at such an incredible fast pace. I guess I just need to adjust to being a little guy. Sure I value the little people or should I say the behind the scene person, I just never thought I would be one. I guess I'm just down on life right now. Sorry for all the negativity! I think it's just a hard time for me right now. I'm living with my mom witch is nice because I get to save some money, but really hard because I am a grown person living with her mom. I don't really want to move in completely with Kevin right now, not really because I disagree with that, but more because his room mate gets on my last nerve and that's not to mention that they live 35 miles from Lubbock so it would take forever to drive anywhere I need to from there. To add to the problem, Kevin is going on an interview with an amazing company (Cargill) that he really wants to work for yet we don't really know where they are going to offer him a job, we are both really hoping here in Lubbock, but since it is for a feed rep job and they only need one of those in each area, the odds of here in Lubbock are small. That's not to mention the whole marriage thing. On on hand I am so excited to get married and be MRS.BURNS, I mean for the past 3 years that is all I have thought about and for the past 23 years I have thought about getting married. I am a little freaked out about the whole thing. I know your not really suppose to say that when your engaged, I mean you never hear people openly talking about their doubts or worries. Let me be clear, I'm not worried about my relationship with Kevin, we are amazing together and I am so lucky to have him in my life. I am just a little scared of the, until death do us part saying. That is a really really long time, I have trouble deciding what I want to eat for dinner how can I make a decision for the rest of my life. Plus, what does the future hold; I mean what if we get married and then decide that we want something different out of life. What if he decides that he doesn't want kids, or what if I decide that? How can you say that I am going to be this same person, same weight, same mind set, and same personality forever? I know what your thinking, "Amanda, you not committing to that, people always change and your committing to change with him and compromise and love him no matter what those changes are." Well, I think that's crap! I think it is so bad when someone gets married and gains 500lbs, I mean no one really wants to be married to a person that weighs 500lbs. You didn't marry a 500lbs person so why do they change right after you say I Do. I think that is so sad when someone commits there whole life to someone and then they decide to be a jerk, an alcoholic or fatty. I mean my mom committed her whole life to my dad and then he decided to clam up and decided that he didn't want a relationship anymore. What do you do then? I know that to get big rewards you have to take big risks, but is it really OK to risk your whole heart? I mean it's like going to Vegas and betting with a credit card that has no limit. If you put it all in there and lose, your whole life will be spent repaying that one bad choice, yet if you win, your going to win shit tons of money. See I'm the person that goes and bets the minimum bet every time, sure I only win $5.00 at a time, but I only lose that much too. Maybe that's my problem; maybe I'm not that big of a risk taker when it comes to my heart. I have been with Kevin for 3 years and I truly love him more then myself. I want everything to be great for him. I would die for him. Why do I get so freaked out about getting married? It's so weird how we switched places. Before we got engaged, all I wanted was to get engaged and have him commit to me and all he wanted was to slow down and make sure that we are doing everything right, well now we are engaged and he is ready for the rest of his life to start. He is not scared at all, or at least he doesn't act like it, and here I am completely freaking out, isn't that sad? So needless to say my life is in jumbles right now. I sit at my desk for 8 hours a day doing absolutely nothing, feeling like I'm wasting my college degree on e-mails. My living arrangements are really hard right now. My wedding is not near close enough (weird that I say that now that I told you how much I'm freaking out). The point is, I think I'm freaking out because I'm straddling a fence, I can't really lean either way until I know more information, and that's a hard place to be. Oh, yes and the diet. It's not going so well, I have been doing pretty well; I just don't seem to be losing any weight or losing any inches. I'm sure it's just going to take time. So as for now, I'm still going to work hard at it.
I am really a happy go lucky person; I don’t really know why my blogs are such downers. I guess I just put on this happy face all the time and then when I sit down to write a blog entry my true feelings come out. Weird, how that works.